Cycle 13

Cycle 13, month 25. 

Today is CD1. It is the first I have experienced in 92 days, so it was quite a relief. Granted, it's Provera-induced, but, at this point, I'll take what I can get. Who knows how long it would have been if I hadn't taken the meds.

With this CD1 comes a lot of anxiety. Not because I'm not pregnant - I'm used to that  - but because of the battery of testing that is about to occur. I have to schedule my CD3 bloodwork, which will likely confirm my RE's suspected PCOS diagnosis, and my HSG.

The HSG scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I asked for a Valium to help with the anxiety, but I'm still afraid that I will have a full-blown panic attack and either throw up or pass out on the table. Or both. I'm hoping that I'm just psyching myself up to be disappointed and that this whole thing will be no big deal, but I just can't shake this fear.

In addition to all of the IF-related anxiety, we bought a car this week. I LOVE my new car, just love it, but I hate spending that kind of money on anything. The debt makes me feel so trapped. Plus, with S working all the time and not getting any sleep or time alone, we've been fighting a lot. There's so much stress and we've just been butting heads.

I just want a break from my brain. If I could turn it off for an hour a day, I could recover and just be. The anxiety just never stops. It never relents. There is no end in sight.