I've hit a wall

Clomid sucks. It's horrible.

I just keep telling myself that this will work, and I'll never have to do it again. A girl can dream, right?

I am insanely emotional. So sad, so angry, just overwhelmed. I cried the other day because there were so many dishes in the sink, the dog needed food, and I just couldn't imagine having enough energy or the mental capacity to complete either task, much less both.

I've been fighting with S, and he's been working a lot, so we're spending the few hours this week we have together bitching at each other. I've been blaming him for not helping with the house.

I've been alone at work since Wednesday and just feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. I need a break from everyday life.

I'm just so worried that we're going to show up to my appointment on Monday and I will not have responded at all. I have fairly realistic expectations about our chances this cycle (about 30%), but, for some reason, I just can't get it out of my head that my worthless ovaries aren't going to respond to the meds. Ugh.

Infertility sucks, not just because of the horrible medications I have to pump through my body, not just because of the thousands of dollars it's cost us just to get to that point, not just because of all the time we've wasted trying to get pregnant, stuck in purgatory, it sucks mostly because it is just such a mind fuck. It's a totally mental game, and I feel like I just can't win. It's too much for one person.

If I could turn off my brain just half of the time and get a break for a couple of hours, it would make my life exponentially better. So much easier. I wouldn't be so exhausted, so obsessed.

Can we just have our baby now? I want to feel complete, like a real woman that can give her husband children. I'm tired of feeling like three minus one. I love my husband and the family that we are together, but it's just so sad to have to fight this hard to add on. I dream all day about the parents we'll be, the people we'll become, and how our relationship will evolve as husband and wife. I can't wait.

We just have to get through treatment first. This has to be our cycle. I believe it will be our cycle.

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